If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
