She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
