road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
