Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
