I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
