Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
