I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
