just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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