I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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