If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
