From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
