Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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