im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
