Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
