guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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