Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
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Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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