You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
