I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
