8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
