im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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