I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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