walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
