I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
