The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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