You just made me feel so damn special
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
