i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
