Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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