Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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