So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
