I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
