is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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