hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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