You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
