Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
