Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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