I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
