Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
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