just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
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I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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