tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
