Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
