Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
