im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
