we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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