Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
