I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
