I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
