I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
