You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
