I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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50% drunk capacity currently
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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