his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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