i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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