I will die if light touches me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
