fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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