you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
