Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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