She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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